Off to Vampire Mountain!
by Cigarettes-and-Knives
Summary: Me and my friends are off to Vampire Mountain for the Festival! But will we be able to meet up with our fellow vampires in time? Includes an elderly stalker, random goodness, a sugar high author and a quest with many stray motives! Crack fic!
1. The Crazy Trek part 1

Okay, this is what happens when I get high off of sugar! I'm totally random and out of control! I hope you like this fic!

Disclaimer: I don't own Cirque Du Freak.

Me: so we're off to Vampire Mountain!

Ashley: yep!

Alexis: yep...

* * *

Off to Vampire Mountain

Chapter 1: The Crazy Trek Part 1

"And remember to feed the cat!"

"Yes mom!" I reply in monotone.

"And make sure you remember to-"

"Yes, mother!" I reply this time, a bit more irritated. My parents were leaving me at home while they were away for a week on business. I would be alone for a whole week...or so they thought. I wouldn't actually be here at home. I was going with my friends to...Vampire Mountain! The Festival of the Undead was upon us and we weren't going to miss it! We also knew which path to Vampire Mountain Larten, Gavner and Darren would be taking, so we'd be able to meet them! The best part is, they didn't know we were tagging along! Well, of course we were vampires but our 'masters' told us to stay home for this gathering, we'd go next time they had said. Psh, like that was going to happen! I had to go to make sure that my Larten wasn't going to hook up with Arra! Ashley had wanted to see Kurda desperately and Alexis wanted to see Vancha.

"Okay, hon, we're gone! Call us if you need anything!"

"Okay, mum, I'll probably be on the internet all week or have music blaring or doing chores so if I don't answer, don't flip out okay? I'll call you in a few days." My mom nodded, kissed me on the head and got in the car. Once they left the driveway, I knew I had approximately fifty minutes until Ashley and Alexis got here. Their parents were away on vacation for a week as well! What luck!

I locked all of the entrances to the house and ran to my room. I packed a small bag full of things that I needed. I knew that Larten wouldn't aprove of bringing things but I wouldn't take them into the Mountain itself, plus, I was a girl and I needed my, uh...well, you get my drift. I left the cats and dogs enough food and I brought my cell phone and iPod. I then waited anxiously for Ash and Lexi to arrive while dancing to Linkin Park.

After a while, I heard the honk of a car horn. I looked outside to see Ashley in her car, Alexis in the back seat. (Ash probably made her sit back there so I could be in control of the car radio. Lexi kept changing it to some song that wasn't fit for dancing). I grabbed my bag and ran outside.

"We can't drive to Vampire Mountain!" I finally said, after hugging Ash through the car window. Ashley rolled her eyes.

"We can't flit to Vampire Mountain, stupid, no one said we couldn't drive there! It's a lot better on my feet!"

"Fine, but we only drive three quarters of the way there! I don't want to get caught and I definitely don't want to get caught going to V. Mountain the lazy way!"

"Who said we weren't lazy?" asked Ashley.

"Shut up and drive." I muttered, hopping in the car.

After a while, we stopped at a Seven-Eleven and got jacked up on Nerds and Starbursts before heading out on the road again.

"Let's start a riot! A riot! Let's start a riot! A riot!" We screamed at the top of our lungs, singing along to our favorite Three Days Grace song: Riot. We were scaring the hell out of little kids that were riding their bikes nearby by howling and laughing evilly, still singing Riot. The poor kids, they went running for the hills!

"I've got chocolate bubblegum!" Alexis wailed at a random passerby. A few moments later, we saw a guy in about his seventies, jogging down the road without only a pair of shorts on.

"My eyes! My eyes!" We cried, Ashely wanted to be funny and swerve on the road a bit for dramatic effect but that only made me and Lexi scream for our lives. A while later, when we were close to an exit of a small town, I took out my megaphone and screamed out the window back towards the citizens in town.

"ZOMBIES! IT'S THE APOCOLYPSE! EVERYONE EVACUATE THE CITY! ZOMBIES!" I shouted, turning the megaphone on high. We sped out of town, laughing our asses off. Ten minutes later, me and Alexis were singing at the top of our lungs.

"Ben! Ben! Ashley loves Ben! The wannabe emo loves she! He cuts his wrist with a spoon, born on the full moon, the stupid idiot loves she! Ben! Ben! He did it again, he tried to get a girlfriend! We know how that went and now he walks bent with his hands clutched 'tween his knees!" we sang, coming up with the lyrics off the top of our heads.

"I don't like Ben!" Ashley squealed, threatening to toss us out of the car. Me and Alexis laughed some more before Bodies came on and I cranked up the radio.

"Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the FLOOOOOOOR!" I screamed, at some passing by four-year-olds on their scooters...poor kids...let's leave it at that.

After a half hour of our beginning stage of sugar-rushness...if that's a word, we went into our second stage, the stage to where we started saying things that just didn't make sense.

"Whoo! When we get to Vamp Mountain! You know what I'mma do?" I asked.

"What?" asked Lexi.

"I'm gonna break out the vampire-proof handcuffs and uh, 'work' Larten and Mika till dawn if ya know what I mean!" I giggled, taking another swig of Yoohoo. The other two laughed. "And I know what Ash is gonna do!"

"What am I gonna do, Kenzie?" asked Ashley with a smirk.

"She's gonna work Kurda and Darren like there's no tomorrow!" Ashley shrugged.

"I'm not going to argue with that." she laughed.

"Okay, but of course, you're not as good as it as me but hey, you can try your best, kid." I said, patting Ash on the shoulder. Ashley glared at me for the comment but ignored it. "And Lexi here's got Vancha all to herself," I paused, "'Cause no one else wants his drunk, shaggy self!" I howled with laughter as Alexis blushed.

"So what if he wears animal skins!" she ranted.

"And never bathes." added Ashley.

"And had a one-night stand with Truska." I pointed out.

"And has green hair." Ashley continued.

"Okay! Okay! I get it! Sheesh!" Alexis grumbled. I threw my empty Yoohoo box at her in response. Ashley burst into laughter after not being able to contain it any longer and I leaned up casually against the car door, smirking at my wonderful aim. Alexis glared at me and threw a water bottle at my head. I threw it back, a bit more violent this time. Soon, we were picking stuff up off the floor and chucking it at each others's heads. After a moment, I picked up another object and it felt strangely furry...I looked at my weapon and screamed at the top of my lungs...it was a dead rat. I flung it out of my hands and it landed in Ashley's lap, causing her to panic and swerve around on the road. Ashley threw it back at Alexis, causing her to wail and flail her arms at the sight of the deceased rodent in her lap. Alexis threw it back at Ashley and it flew out the window and hit an old lady in the face. Ashley floored it to get away from the lady who was waving her walker in the air menacingly, screaming after us: "You rotten kids!" After a mile, Ashley stomped on the brakes and we all tried to catch our breath. Alexis was hyperventilating and Ashley rested her head down on the steering wheel. I caught my breath.

"Why...WAS THERE A DEAD RAT IN YOUR CAR!" I screamed, waving my arms.

"I don't know!" Ashley yelled. I sighed.

"Come to think of it, this car of yours reminds me of your locker back at school! Wanna see if there's a dead rat there too!" I panted.

"Um, guys?"

"What?" I snapped, looking back at Alexis. She pointed behind her and well all looked out the back window. There was the old lady...coming up the hill...hobbling on along on her walker, waving her fist in the air angrily. We all exchanged freaked out looks.

"We drove a mile! How did she follow us!" I screeched.

"I don't know!" Ashley yelled. The old lady stopped for a moment before continuing her venture up the hill. She was almost to our car.

"Floor it!" Me and Lexi screamed in unison. Ashley stepped on the gas and we wheeled our way out of town.

After another hour, we crashed from our sugar highs, I offered to take the wheel since Ashley was dozing. After another half hour, we decided to stop so we could get on another high so we could have energy. We stopped in a drug store and piled up on candy and soda. We got back to the car and munched on our snacks and chatted about random stuff, but mostly about how that old lady could've followed us for a mile straight. We were laughing and joking about how she flitted and etcetera until something made the Crunch bar fall right out of my mouth.

"Speak of the damn devil and he shall appear."I said wide-eyed.

"What?" asked Ashley. I pointed a shaky finger at the horizon...and there she was...the old lady...hobbling along on her walker...with homicide in her eyes. We all exchanged glances and screamed at the top of our lungs.

"Drive! Drive! DRIIIIIIIIVE!" we screamed and Ashley stomped on the gas pedal. As we sped away, we could hear the lady's distant screams: "You pesky whippersnappers!"

We drove for miles and miles, hours and hours, not stopping, in fear that the old lady would appear and take our souls.

"I have to use the bathroom." Alexis said after a while. Me and Ashley groaned but then we realized that we had to go as well. We stopped at a gas station with a sleeping man behind the counter. We were in the middle of nowhere and I felt like I was in Resident Evil or something.

"Zombieland Rule number 3! Beware of bathrooms! You two go in and I'll stand watch, then Alexis takes my shift while I'm in the bathroom." I said, pulling a BB gun out of the trunk. (I know a BB gun doesn't do much but I don't want to hurt anyone much!)

"Why does she get to hold the gun?" whined Ashley.

"'Cause you can't shoot the broadside of a barn." I muttered. "Now hurry up with the bathroom!" I shoved them inside and I stood by the car. It was dark out by now and it was pretty spooky out here. I could hear some crickets in the distance but that was about it. I ran my hand along the gun uncertainly. I swear if that lady showed up, I 'd blow her brains out and hang her on a tree branch by her foot, cut open her stomach, feed her guts to bears and burn her corpse alive. I'd then invite all of my friends to come dance on the ashes of what once was, a granny. I sighed with relief when Alexis came out of the bathroom. I handed the gun to her and got in and out of the bathroom as quickly as possible, Ashley on my tail. I put the gun under the front seat this time.

"Wow, no evil old lady." Ashley said.

"Well she's probably off knitting sweaters at this time of night, I don't think that she'd travel for hundreds of miles on foot just to throw a rat back at us." said Alexis.

"Yeah, you're right. Let's hit it." I said.

We continued to drive and we were hyped up on sugar again. We enjoyed the rock radio station and made raunchy jokes, soon we forgot about the lady. When we crashed again, we pulled into a hotel parking lot and decided to sleep under the glowing sign. The light was irritating but we felt somewhat safe under the light. I watched the moths circle the sign for a while till I started to doze off. I was halfway into dreamland when I heard a 'pat, pat, pat'. I furrowed my eyebrows and looked up to see the old lady scratching at the window with a passive look on her face. I screamed bloody murder like Jigsaw was after me and Alexis and Ashley jolted awake. When they saw the lady, they too screamed and Ashley revved up the engine. We sped down the highway, all the while, I was screaming: "WHY DID WE THROW THAT RAT AT HER! WHYYYYYYY?"

After two miles of drag racing with air, we stopped to get our hearts out of our throats.

"Why didn't we just leave the rat in the car! We shouldv'e given it to Alexis' boyfriend! He would've eaten it and gotten rid of the rat altogether!" I screamed.

"Vancha does not eat rats!" Lexi squeaked. Me and Ashley gave her a 'you're kidding me, right?' look.

"It's Lexi's fault! She threw the rat out the window!"

"No, Ashley! It's your fault! If you hadn't had such a messy car in the first place, we wouldn't be in this mess!" I shook my head.

"It doesn't matter who's fault it is, the next time she shows up, I'm getting Larten to throw her into a volcano!" I squealed. We all gave a deep sigh, and then a lightbulb turned itself on in my head.

"Ashley?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you even know where we're going?"

Our eyes widened in horror.

"BLESS US WITH THE HELP OF THE VAMPIRE GODS!" we screamed at the sky.

"Larten! Darren! Gavner! Where are you!" I moaned to myself.

* * *

Will our heros find their way to Vampire Mountain?

Will they find their vampire companions!

Will they ever rid themselves of the demon elderly woman!

Will I ever stop rambling!

Will donuts fall from the sky?

How many times will Larten be shagged by me?

These questions may or may not be answered in the next chapter ooooooof: OFF TO VAMPIRE MOUNTAIN!

Review? :3


	2. The Crazy Trek part 2

Okay, sooo, chapter two! I just couldn't contain the crackiness so I had to get it up! Enjoy!

Disclaimer: Me no own CDF.

Me: The demon lady from hell again!

Ash: NOOOO!

Alexis: mmm, tacos! ^^

* * *

Off to Vampire Mountain!

Chapter 2: The Crazy Trek Part 2

I banged by head on the dash board.

"WOULD IT HAVE KILLED YOU TO DRIVE AWAY FROM THE LADY IN A SENSIBLE DIRECTION!" I screamed, shaking my fists. I couldn't believe it. We knew exactly where the route to Vampire Mountain was but since Ashley drove us in the complete opposite direction, we were screwed. We had no idea where we were, we had a homicidal senior chasing after us, our vampires were miles away and we only had two more days to get to Vampire Mountain before the Festival began! I took a deep breath.

"Okay. Let's just find out where we are." I said calmly. We got out of the car (not without the gun) and looked around. There was a green sign that said: "You are totally screwed. The next town is not for another one-hundred miles. Have a safe drive." Seriously, it said that.

"Great! Like the sign says, we're screwed! It's three in the morning and we have no idea where we are!" I shouted, kicking a big rock into the darkness. We heard an 'Ow!' I tilted my head to the side and grabbed a flashlight. I shined it into the darkness and what do ya know! There were a bunch of people lying down on the ground. It was a caravan! I shared excited glances with my companions. They would be able to tell us where we were!

"I'm sorry!" I said. "I didn't know you were there! You see, we're lost! Can you tell us what state we're in?" The man who I hit with the rock got up and smiled. He was big...and burly...he had a bushy beard...a cheery face...he was a hippie...

"IT'S R.V!" I screamed, pointing my finger. My companions screamed as well and we couldn't get in the car fast enough.

"I'm not going anywhere with you!" screamed Alexis. Ashley floored it and we sped down the road, away from Reggie Veggie, who was standing there, scratching his head and acting like he was clueless. Psh, I wasn't falling for that!

We sped off down the road, we had reached the ninety mile mark and we were almost into town until... the car ran out of gas.

"Why, why, why, why, WHY!" I screamed, pounding on the car seat. "I'm going to miss my Larten and my Mika! I can't let that happen!" I threw a little fit and screamed, dying from Vampire Separation Anxiety. "Get out and push! I am not missing the festival!" I commanded. We got out of the car and lazily went to the back of the car. I set the gun on top of the trunk and we began to push. Our vampire strength made it pretty easy on use but after an hour, we were exhausted and we only made it about two miles.

"The universe is stupid." Ashley muttered, sitting on top of the trunk. Alexis sat on top too and I followed the suit. I felt the car shift a bit and a lightbulb went of in my head. I looked at the hill in front of us, if we pushed the car down the hill, it would take forever to push it along the long, flat road ahead of us, but if we RODE the car down, we would roll along the stretch of road for a while before having to get down and push again.

"Guys, when I say now, push off the ground with your feet and hold on tight to the car!" The girls were uncertain but nodded anyway.

"One, two, now!" I shouted, kicking the ground at the same time as my friends. The kicks made the car inch forward and soon, we were rolling down the hill at the speed of a rollercoaster. We screamed in fear and joy as we sailed down the hill backwards, holding onto the car for dear life. We were rolling down the road at top speed for a few minutes till we heard a 'THUMP!' and we all exchanged worried looks. We jumped off the car and led it to a stop. I grabbed a flashlight and looked around for what caused the sound. I was about to stop looking until I caught a glimpse of something pink. I shined my flashlight over and what I saw scared the living hell out of me...it was the old lady. I screamed again (when is my voice going to start fading?) and Ashley and Lexi ran over. They saw the lady and screamed as well.

"Is she breathing?" I finally asked.

"I don't know, have Ashley check!" said Alexis.

"What? No!" Ashley protested. "It was your car that hit her, your rat that started this and your stupid brain that got us into this in the first place! So you check and see if she's dead!" Alexis yelled, suddenly coming out of character. Ashley glared at her and kicked the lady gently in the ribs.

"Hey...hey, lady...twitch once if you're alive." The lady didn't move. "Well, she's dead, let's go!" Ashley said, heading to the car.

"Ash! We just ran her over!"

"What? She deserved it after tracking us cross-country for homicidal reasons!"

"But...eh, you're right." I shrugged, following the twins back to the car. I had just began to push the car again when I heard a moan. We all whipped around and saw the lady adjusting her spectacles. She squinted and looked at us. Her beady eyes seem to suck us in and we all shrieked bloody murder.

"Go! Go! Go!" I yelled. We mustered up all of our half-vampire strength and pushed the car down the road as fast as we could.

"You pesky gingersnaps!" the lady yelled after us, which only made us run faster. After pushing the car for nine miles, the town was in sight. We let out sighs of relief and we pulled into a gas station.

"How much money do we have?" I asked.

"Why'd she call us gingersnaps?" asked Alexis.

"I don't know! I don't really care right now!" I sighed. Ashley pulled out her Jack Skellington wallet.

"We have one-hundred bucks."

"Cool. Now fill her up." I said, patting the car. I set the gun back in the car and went inside the corner store. There was a guy in about his fifties behind the counter, a lady and her bratty kid buying some milk, and a wierd guy with an eye twitch over in the corner, hugging a loaf of bread to his chest. I had to buy us some poptarts for a quick and easy breakfast but the guy was standing right in front of the poptarts.

"Um, excuse me." I said politely. The guy's eye twitched more and he hugged his bread closer to him.

"What do ya want? Ya want my bread, don't ya!" he said.

"Er, noooo, I just need to get to the-"

"She wants my bread! She's after my bread! You can't have my bread!" he screamed, batting me away.

"Look, dipstick! I don't want your damn bread! Just move out of the way so I can get a-"

"Get away! STAY AWAAAAY! You're one of those government ninjas...from the government!"

"No! ...but I wish I was...anyway! We need some poptarts so if you could just mo-"

"My bread!"

"LISTEN, MORON! I DON'T WANT YOUR BREAD! NOW I'MMA GO NINJA ON YOUR FAT BUTT IF YOU DON'T MOVE!" He didn't move...I'm gonna kill him...that eye twitch is getting on my nerves. I twitch back...we stare at each other...twitch...twitch...

"Do you want to lick my golf club? It tastes like chicken!" he said, pulling a golf club out from behind his back.

"No!" I shouted. Ashley and Alexis came into the store.

"Girls! Attack plan number 666! Go!" Ashley and Alexis jumped up on top of the other aisles and did ninja moves and I took my fighting stance. Ashley and Alexis looked like ninjas, doing their little things on top of the shelves. The bratty kid stood there in awe, his lollipop sticking out of his mouth. The woman stood there with her wallet out, her face in shock at the situation. The guy behind the counter acted like this was a normal thing.

"AAAAGH! I knew it! You are government ninjas! ...From the government!" The guy ran out of the store and I ran after him, I snatched his golf club from him and started beating him and chasing after him with it.

Ashley and Alexis stood watching from the door.

"She beating up another hobo?"

"Word." said Ashley, taking a sip from her juice box.

"Sweet."

"Indeed."

After I beat the hobo up a bit, I tossed the golf club to the side and went back to join my friends in the traditional sipping of the Yoohoo while talking about Pirates of the Caribbean. The guy behind the counter looked as if what I just did was perfectly normal.

"This happen often?" I ask.

"At least once a week." He nodded in confirmation.

Once we got our poptarts, we were out of there. Driving out of the small town, we didn't feel like getting on another sugar rush so we decided to do something normal...throw tomatoes at mailboxes...

"So you know where we're going now?" I asked, pelting a mailbox with the plump...fruitegetable.

"I think so. We're slightly off course but if we don't take too many stops, we can still get to Gavner's trail on time."

"We are _such_ stalkers." I giggled, missing a mailbox.

"Is a tomatoe a vegetable or a fruit?" asked Alexis, naturally missing a mailbox.

"It's a fruitegetable. We learned that in like, fourth grade."

"Suuure we did, Kenzie." Ashley said in her teasing manner. I threw a tomatoe at her, surprisingly, it didn't explode against her huge head.

"Don't throw tomatoes at me! I'm driving!"

"Well it can't possibly make your driving worse." I chuckled, hitting a twelve-year-old boy in the head with a tomatoe instead of the mailbox.

"Hey!" he yelled.

"Hay is for horses!" I laughed, sticking my head back in the window before I got cussed out by someone younger than me. Ashley laughed.

"Must you torment the children?"

"Must I yes." I said with a smile. "Children and forty-year-olds are my specialty!"

"What about seniors?"

"Don't go there, I'm sick of old people." I grumbled, thinking about the old lady.

"Me too, I mean, really, why does this stuff always happen to us?" Alexis sighed. I muttered some curses to myself in German and Japanese and Ashley looked at me wierd...there was an awkward silence until Alexis spoke.

"Don't you _ever_ do that again!" Alexis laughed. We all burst into laughter at our inside joke.

"Hey look! A cow!" I shouted, pointing out the window. There was indeed a cow but it was lying down. Ashley stopped the car.

"It looks dead." Ashley said simply.

"Your face looks dead." I mumbled, getting out of the car. The others got out too.

"It's breathing." Alexis stated.

"Naw dip." I said sarcastically.

"What's wrong with it?" asked Ashley.

"I don't know! I'm not a vet!" I snapped. Suddenly, there was the sound of a zipper being pulled and we all stared at the cow. It's stomach was opening up, like an invisible surgeon was cutting it open with an invisible knife. We all stared in utter shock as the hole in the cow opened wider...aaaaand...the old lady jumped out of the cow! We all screamed as loud as humanly possible and ran to the car. Ashley floored before I could get my other leg in the car.

"EVERYTHING WE KNOW AND LOVE IS A LIE!" I yelled, holding onto my car seat for dear life.

"When will that lady leave us alone?" Alexis screamed.

"I don't know but I WANT MY LARTEEEEN!" I cried, grabbing one of Larten's capes out of my bag. (He gave me one of his two-million as a gift.)

"I want my Kurdaaa!"

"Vancha!" my companions whined as we sped down the highway at a minor ninety-five miles per hour.

After an hour of screaming at every large animal and person we saw while driving down the road, we stopped the car to check our various maps.

"Okay, sooo, we're here." Ashley stated, pointing as a little spot on the map. "Larten, Darren and Gavner's trail should be about a few more miles away."

"Thank God! I'm so sick of this car I could puke!" I laughed. "Being cooped up in a car is not awesome for me." I said, stretching.

"So we have a day and a half to get to Vampire Mountain?" Alexis asked.

"Yeah. We should've left sooner and we shouldn't have goofed off as much."

"I suppose you're right..." I said, the car gained a serious mood.

"But who cares? We're coming, Larten!" I shouted, pumping my fist in the air.

"Yeah! Whoo!" my friends cheered.

"We're going to Vampire Mountain, to Vampire Mountain we go! With drunks and fun and bears, oh my! To Vampire Mountain we go!" we sang happily.

A half-hour later...

"I'm telling you, Kurda is awesome!"

"Oh, yeah! He's soo-oo awesome!" I said sarcastically, rolling my eyes.

"He beat Arra on the bars!"

"Anyone can beat Arra on the bars!" I said. Alexis and Ash gave me a 'you've got to be kidding me' look.

"What?" I asked innocently.

"Have you been off in your own little world!"

"Why yes, yes I have." I smiled.

"Aagh! Arra's never been beaten except by Kurda!"

"Yeah, well that's gonna change here in a few days. Arra-freaking-Sails is going down. Look out, Vampire Mountain! There's a new champion in town!" I then proceeded to laugh maniacally.

"She has _such_ a big ego." Alexis whispered to her sister.

"Seriously though." I said. "Arra is going to pay." I said, clenching my fist and teeth.

"What did she do?"

"Like you don't know the answer to that question." I growled, glaring at Ashley.

"Oh, right, she stole 'your' Larten."

"HE _IS_ MINE! We _are_ mates after all." I said with a smirk.

"You are?" asked Ash and Lexi in unison.

"Well, not _officially_, we would be but I have my Mika to think about." I smiled. "And she didn't steal Larten, I just don't like her. She hurt Larten, she has a huge ego, etcetera, etcetera." I waved my hand like it was nothing.

"Why is it that you guys always have like, three guys you claim each and I only get one?" Alexis asked.

"You only want one." said Ashley.

"Oh yeah."

"And you claim you don't want to get wrapped up in our 'constant, foolish, wars over who gets to have who'." I said.

"Oh yeeeeah." Alexis said in a spacey manner.

"Oh! We need to pull over here!" Ashley smiled, pointing at an opening near an extremely wooded area. "If we take this path and go deeper into the woods, we'll soon meet up with our vampire's trail! We'll leave the car here and take only needed items." We nodded and got our stuff together, which turned out to be only one bag. "I left the spare key taped under the car so no one can jack it." We nodded again and faced the woods.

"Bless us with the luck of the vampires." I mumbled before we began our woodsy doom...er...I mean, adventure.

* * *

Will our heroes make it through the dreaded woods in one day!

Will they ever see their vampire companions?

Will they get lost or make it triumphantly to Vampire Mountain in time for the Festival of the Undead?

...I really don't know, I'm just the narrator...

Me: YOU'RE DOING A TERRIBLE JOB AT IT TOO! Well, find out what happens next ooooon: OFF TO VAMPIRE MOUNTAIN! Now I'm off to shag Larten!


	3. The Woods

Okay guys, this chapter is pretty dang long and I hate how not random and funny it is. This is supposed to be sort of a filler chapter and frankly, I couldn't think of much at the moment and I APOLOGIZE DEEPLY for this chapter being SO SUCKISH AND NOT AS GOOD AS THE OTHERS! I PROMISE THE OTHERS WILL BE BETTER! I'M SORRY! TT-TT

Disclaimer: I don't own CDF.

Apologies: The one above.

I'm sorry Justin Bieber's such a fag.

I'm sorry that Twilight exists.

I'm sorry that the idiot publishers let Stephanie Meyer decide things.

I'm sorry that I don't have some damn poptarts right now.

I'm sorry that I'm so awesome, I can't help it!

* * *

Off To Vampire Mountain

Chapter 3: The Woods

I sighed as we began our trek into the deep, unforgiving forest. It was going to be a hassle but I figured I'd be fine due to my high tolerance for pain. What worried me was that if we wouldn't make it to the mountian on time. We'd miss all the good stuff! People would be getting drunk without us! The vampires would be partying and fighting and howling and dancing..and I wouldn't be there! I swallowed my worries and turned on my iPod to lift our spirits.

After an hour of hiking, we stopped at a river and rubbed our feet.

"Torture. That's what this is." Alexis whined, picking a briar out of her skin.

"Well it sure ain't a picnic." I said, flicking a tick off of me. "How much longer, Ash?" Ashley looked up from her water and sighed.

"I want to say about another mile before we reach Larten and Darren's most popular route."

"Wait, how are we supposed to know if they've already passed a certain point on the trail or if they haven't even got to that point yet?"

"I dunno, gravity?"

"Makes sense to me."

"You all are going mad, aren't you?" Alexis asked.

"Maybe. Why don't you ask your clam stalker?"

"Hey! Don't bring that up! She's in an insane asylum now!" There was a wierd silence.

"Yep, we're insane." I muttered before getting up with a grunt. Brushing a hand through my black and red-dyed locks, I looked around and saw something move out of the corner of my eye. I looked over and saw something black zoom from behind one tree to behind another.

"I, uh, think we should leave." I mumbled, backing up and grabbing my bag.

"Why?" asked Ashley. Just then, the unknown organism jumped out of it's hiding spot and pinned me to the ground. I looked through my squinted eyes and looked at the menacing face of...a puppy.

"Aww! Hey, little guy!" I cooed, rubbing the pup's head. The pup wagged his tail in delight.

"Wolves!" said Alexis. I looked up and saw more adult wolves come out of the trees.

"Cool!" I exclaimed, rolling around on the forest floor with the playful animals. Ashley got on her knees and pet some of them while Alexis was being licked to death by a lovable girl wolf. I looked over and noticed that the puppy's nose was red. I looked around and also noticed a big male wolf with a white streak on his stomach.

"Streak! Rudi!" I exclaimed, hugging the small pup harder.

"No way!" said Alexis, looking at Streak.

"It is him!" Ashley said, delighted.

"Have you guys seen Darren and Larten and Gavner?" I asked hopefully. Rudi whined in response.

"You haven't, eh? Wanna help us find them?" I asked. Rudi licked his lips for an answer.

"I'll take it as a yes." I smiled.

Our little gang continued to hike through the woods for about an hour until we came to a rest stop. We were delighted to find coffins, blood and other needed items scattered about the somewhat messy cave. I dropped my bag and stretched.

"I hate sleeping in coffins. I don't have my space. I can't even roll over without hitting a wall." I complained.

"I like it. It's my own personal box." Ashley mused.

"Good for you." I muttered with a scowl, looking at the coffins to call dibs on the biggest one with most space. I found one that was a bit more wider at the shoulders and stuffed my things in it so no one would take it.

"Hey, Kenzie." came Alexis' voice.

"What?" I asked, turning around to find Alexis holding a red cape.

"Larten was here." she smirked, shaking it for effect. I squealed and ripped the cape out of my friend's hands. I wrapped myself in the cape and held the rim up to my nose, taking in the smell of my beloved vampire.

"How many capes does he have?" Ashley asked.

"I dunno, a lot." I shrugged, not really caring at the moment.

"We're on the right track! Soon, we'll be with them!" Alexis cheered. "Yay! Darren!" Ashley smiled.

"Who cares about your puny half vampire? I get to see my Larten! And me and Gavner can pull pranks on you guys!" I laughed, thinking about how much better things will be once we found them.

"Too bad I won't see Vancha before we get to the mountain."

"Oh, don't worry, I'm sure he's drinking enough beer for the both of you!" I laughed.

"He drinks enough for two people anyway." giggled Ashley. Alexis grumbled to herself as she leaned up against a female wolf for warmth. Ashley got up and uncorked a bottle of blood.

"We have approximately twenty hours to get to Vampire Mountain." she said.

"What! We can't make it in that time! I am exhausted and we need to sleep for half that time!"

"Well we're going to have to set some sort of alarm to go off in four hours."

"I have my iPod." I said. "But still, I really don't see how we're going to make it in time!"

"I don't know either."

"I guess we can just do the best we can." said Alexis. I didn't like the tension in the air so I did what any sensible person would do...I threw a bone that I found on the cave floor at Ashley's head.

"Ow! What was that for?"

"Your head was there. The bone was there. The connection was made." I shrugged. Ashley grabbed the bone and threw it back at me. She missed.

"Your face." I stuck out my tongue.

"Is awesome." Ashley smirked.

"You wish." I laughed. I grabbed my iPod and toyed around with it. Ashley and Alexis played with the wolves some more till I shouted: "Holy crap! This cave has Wifi!" I was elated.

"What!" Ashley and Alexis exclaimed in unison.

"How does a cave up here miles away from civilization have wifi?"

"I dunno, fractions?"

"That makes sense." I said.

Alexis shook her head and seated herelf beside me so she could watch Youtube vids with me and Ashley.

"Ooh! Darren and Larten lemon!" I shouted, browsing fanfiction.

"Click it! Click it!" Ashley shouted. Alexis laughed.

"You guys and your yaoi."

"We live off it!" I smirked, beginning to read the one-shot. Ashley read the words alongside me, Alexis read a bit slower.

"Ooh!" I smirked at one point. I glanced over to Ashley's face extremely flushed. Alexis had her eyes glued to the screen. After a few more minutes, me and Ashley were squealing as we read the descriptive chapter.

"Imagine them actually doing this!" I blushed.

"I am!" Ashley giggled. Alexis just seemed a bit disturbed. After we read the fic, I shrugged.

"He only does that with me anyway." I said.

"Yeah, same thing with me and Darren. Still, it's uber fun to read!" Ashley smiled.

"If only Larten could read, I'd SO strap him to a chair and make him read this stuff as punishment."

"Well he hardly ever does stuff wrong."

"I'll make something up." I said deviously. Alexis stretched.

"Well whatever, we need to get going. We wasted two hours reading slash lemon." said Alexis.

"WE WHAAAAAT?" Me and Ashley screeched.

"Why didn't you tell us?" I screamed, grabbing my things. So much for sleep, we needed to hit the trail! We should've spent that two hours napping! And the only thing that lemon did for me was make me more eager to get to Vampire Mountain so I could try some stuff on Larten! (wink)

"Your face is stupid, Alexis." Ashley muttered.

"Glad to know I'm appreciated around here." Alexis grumbled.

We fled the cave with our wolf companions and ran as fast as our energy would allow us. We had about seventeen hours to get to the mountain and there was still no sign of our vampires! We ran for a half-hour until we started walking to conserve our energy. I got my iPod back out and watched little videos while I walked behind the twins.

"Ooh! Explicit yaoi!"

"Where!" Ashley squealed.

"Kenzie! Stop taking advantage of your woods wifi!" Snapped Alexis. I pouted and stuffed my iPod back in my bag.

"Darn." me and Ashley muttered under our breath.

Walking was torture. Not to mention boring. But I think having my friends there made it better...I don't know...after this conversation, you decide.

"Why are trees so tall?" asked Ashley.

"Why are you so short?"

"Touche. But seriously, why can't they be like bushes?"

"Because they're not?" I said, not really giving two carrots right now.

"Well what about the dirt? I mean how is dirt made?"

"I don't know Ash and I don't CARE! Something about chainsaws?" Ashley nodded.

"Come to think of it, that makes sense."

"No it doesn't!" Alexis finally snapped. "You guys have been having explanations for random crap and they don't even make a lick of sense!" She panted. Me and Ashley exchanged wide-eyed glances. There was an awkward silence until I finally spoke.

"So is toast responsible for the world being round?" I smirked, pushing Alexis over the edge.

"Nooo! No it is not!" Alexis screamed, her eye twitching.

"It should be." smirked Ashley. I had to bite my tongue to keep from laughing my butt off.

An hour later...

"-I am the dog, hound of hell ya cry! Devil on your back! I can never die! Dig through the ditches, and burn through the witches and slam in the back of my Dragula!" I shouted, nodding my head to the hard rock beat.

"Kenzie! Stop listening to Rob Zombie and focus!" Ashley whined.

"But I love Rob Zombie!" I made a sad puppy face.

"Too bad."

"What about Linkin Park?"

"Oh yeah!"

"Ashley!" snapped Alexis.

"Sorry." I rolled my eyes and put my iPod away again. I heard a sudden snap of a twig and whirled around, it wasn't one of the wolves, they were a few feet in front of us. My eyes darted all around, expecting Barney the dinosaur to come out of the woods, or hopefully a guy with a box of Dunkin' Donuts.

Worse than Barney the dinosaur.

I'm sure, that by now, you can guess who it is. I didn't even bother to scream...okay, that was a lie, I screamed...over and over again. My group members whipped around, ready for a fight.

"Holy Kenzie on a Larten!" cried Lexi.

"Hey!" I growled.

"Sorry." she muttered.

It was the old lady. Seriously, doesn't she have something else better to do? Some sweaters to knit maybe? Why not chase after another band of sugar high half-vampires?

She stood there, her clothes torn and dirty, her skin even more wrinkly and demonic. Her eyes still bore the innocenct/homicidal look that only old ladies could bare.

"Seriously, lady! Quit freaking stalking us or I'll slit your throat!" I growled like only a vampire could and grabbed a knife out of my pocket.

"You silly whippersnappers." was her only response to me having threatened to cut open her throat...charming.

"You're relentless, lady!" I yelled, brandishing my knife. Apparantly Streak and Rudi knew the lady was bonkers too and bared their fangs. Ashley and Alexis hung back, normally I was the one to do the dirty work. They weren't entirely fond, nor experienced in fighting like somewhat was. I actually liked fighting, especially at school. It gave me a sense of power.

Suddenly, squirrels came out of nowhere, I'm talking no-freaking-where! They came out of the trees, hundreds of them and they all swarmed the elderly lady with acorns. Pelting her with the harsh little nuts. She flinched and held her evil arms up in defence. The squirrels then proceeded to form an army and sweep her away. Frankly, I have absolutely no clue as to how that just happened. All of our eyes twitched, even the wolves.

"That. Was THE most random thing that has EVER happened in my ENTIRE life!" Alexis screamed after about ten minutes of standing there wondering if that really just happened.

"You know. Times like these, I wonder if I'm either dead, in a time paradox, dreaming or just plain insane." I mumble.

"All four?" shrugged Ashley.

"Y'know squirrels are my fave animals now." Alexis rambled.

"Thank you!" I yelled after the squirrels even though they were who-knows-where now.

After another twenty minutes, we came across a hill.

"I don't feel like climbing at upward angles!" Alexis moaned, sitting on a boulder.

"You'll have to if you want to see Vancha!" I warned her, taking a swig of water out of my canteen.

"I'm exhausted. If I was human, I would've been asleep ages ago!"

"Yeah, well we're not human. And if we want to seriously prove ourselves to our masters, then we need to make it up that mountain and to the Festival on time! I am _not_ missing my late night ..er...'sessions' with Mika and Larten. I am _not_ missing the partying and the drinking of the barrels of beer! I am _not_ missing beating Arra Sails on her own bars! I am _not_ missing dueling with tons of vampires! I am _not_ missing the dancing! I am _not_ missing the howling! I. Am not. Missing. ANYTHING! DO YOU GOT THAT?" I yelled, waving my arms for emphasis.

"Yeah!" Ashley yelled, pumping her fist in the air.

"Yaaay." Alexis said unenthused, lazily sticking her fist out. I smiled at how my pep talk got to them...well...Ash anyway.

Suddenly, I caught a wiff of something. A scent I knew very well. I smiled. It couldn't be! But it had to be! It must be! But I can't believe it! The wolves must have smelt it too, for their tails were wagging furiously and they seemed to smile up at me. I placed a finger over my lips.

"Shh." I hissed. "Follow me, make a sound and die!" I whispered. I placed myself on the ground and crawled my way up the hill. Lexi and Ash exchanged looks but shrugged and followed me. The canine companions seemed to get the clue too, for they were creeping their way up the hill on their bellies. When we reached the top of the hill. My heart skipped a beat. My breath caught in my throat. There was my love. My Larten Crepsley. Standing there at the bottom of the hill with his back facing me. Gavner was there too, sitting cross-legged on the ground. Darren as starting a small fire with his back facing us as well. Larten stepped past Gavner to help Darren with the fire. Gavner caught a glimpse of us and I made a frantic waving motion with my arms. I slid my finger across my throat and put another finger over my lips. He seemed to get the idea and winked at me. I winked back and smiled a huge smile. I looked at Ashley and Alexis.

"We tackle our friends on three." I mouthed until they got the message. I counted to three on my fingers. Two. Three! We launched ourselves over the hill, I flew through the air and landed right on my Larten's back.

"LARTEEEEEN!" I yelled. "I missed you so muuuuch!" I screamed, hugging him tightly. He stumbled over, I had obviously surprised him. At the same time, Ashley and glomped Darren, knocking him to the ground. Alexis, without Vancha, meerly hugged Gavner in a friendly manner. Larten spun around and stared at me wide-eyed.

"McKenzie?" He shouted, obviously shocked. I nodded.

"What are you doing here?" he yelled.

"Going to Vampire Mountain!" I shouted happily.

"Well go home!" my lover growled.

"Why?" I asked innocently.

"There was a reason I commanded you three to stay home this year! I do not believe you! Do you have any idea how dangerous this trip is? If something had happened to you three and I did not know about it, I would not have been able to do anything! I cannot believe you had the nerve to follow us!" he ranted. I felt a bit bad about it. He'd never yelled at me that much before.

Suddenly, Gavner burst into laughter.

"What is so funny about this situation?" Larten snapped. Gavner wiped a tear away from his eye.

"Sorry! It's just, she's your assistant, Larten! As stubborn and ruthless as you! Don't scold her! We all know you would've done the same thing!" Gavner said as best he could, still laughing.

I smirked. Gavner was so awesome.

"That is not the point. You three should just turn around and head back now." I frowned. Fine. If he was going to be that way. Fine. Perfectly fine.

"Listen here, Larten Crepsley! You have no idea what we've been through the past two days! We've had an old lady stalking us nonstop! She even came out of a freaking cow! I had to fight off an insane hobo just to get a box of freaking poptarts! We had to push a car for ten miles straight! We haven't had a lick of sleep! We've gotten lost countless times! We ran into R.V. and his caravan of evil! We've been accused of being ninjas from the government! We've had to trek through this forest for a day with no sleep and a small bottle of blood! We've left the comfort of our homes just so we wouldn't be left out! We want to meet all the vampires at the mountain! Not to mention I don't want you fooling around with Arra Sails!" Larten seemed a bit surprised at that part. "I haven't seen Mika in forever and my friends are dying to see their vampires! Don't you dare tell us to go back, Larten! We've came this far and if you want us to go back, you're going to have to force us back! I am not missing the Festival and I swear to the Vampire Gods if you say one more word on the subject, I will never sleep with you again!" I yelled.

When I was done with my rant, I was panting. Everyone was frozen in their spots as I yelled at my boyfriend...mate...thing. I had never yelled at him before; I love him too much. So Ashley's eye was twitching slightly. I brushed my hair out of my face.

"Yeah, it's pretty bad when you're accused of being government ninjas, Larten." said Gavner, laughing slightly. Ashley laughed too.

I stared Larten down for another moment before he finally nodded. "Fine." he muttered.

"I think the only reason he caved was because you threatened to not sleep with him again." Gavner whispered in my ear. I snickered.

"I heard that!" Larten snapped over his shoulder. Ashley was still clinging to Darren in a death grip. Darren finally sighed.

"I missed you too." He blushed. Ashley squealed and hugged him harder, which made him double over. I smiled. It was good to be reunited with our vampires. I looked up at the mountain... our destination. One question raced through my head: Will we make it in time?

* * *

Once again, sorry for the suckishnes of the chapter!


	4. The Mountain of Awesomeness

Oh god this chapter was HILARIOUS to write! I love it! hope you like it too!

Disclaimer: Insert witty disclaimer here.

JUSTIN BIEBER IS NOT DEAD! god what a tragedy...

TWILIGHT HAS LOST IT'S BIG BOOM! yes! finally, people have begun to shut up about it!

LARTEN CREPSLEY IS STILL SEXY! hell yes, betches.

* * *

Off To Vampire Mountain!

Chapter 4: Mountain Climb

Okay, so we had approximately a few hours to get up that mountain...help me! Me and the girls were already exhausted and we haven't had any sleep in about two days! Not to mention we don't have any candy to keep us on our sugar highs!

"Are we there yet?" Alexis asked. Me and Ash glared at her.

"What? Someone had to say it sooner or later." she laughed.

"We are-"

"Say it and die." I mumbled to Larten. Larten let out a laugh (covered up as a cough) and we continued on our journey.

"Hey, you know what we should do when we leave Vampire Mountain?" I asked to my friends ten minutes later.

"What?" asked Ashley and Alexis in unison.

"We should make them watch Twilight." I laughed, pointing at the trio of guys. The twin's jaws dropped.

"You are EVIL!" they laughed.

"Twilight? What's Twilight?" asked Gavner.

"It's a vampire movie." said Alexis.

"Wroooong," I sang, "it's a fairy movie."

"Why would I want to watch a movie about fairies?" Larten asked, disgusted at the idea.

"We could watch Interview With a-"

"Shut up, Ashley!" I snapped, I swear I've heard 'Interview with a Vampire' come from her mouth about a thousand times! "Anyway, we're watching Twilight...me with earplugs and a sleeping mask on."

"That defeats the purpose of watching it."

"Exactly." I said, not wanting to put up with the horrendous torture device known as 'Twilight'. "We need to stop letting Stephanie Meyer decide things, if she keeps it up, then all the girls in the world are going to end up being weak and unindependant, vampires are no longer going to be awesome, werewolves are going to look like Pomeranians and I will have commited suicide."

"Twilight sounds evil." said Darren. I narrowed my eyes.

"It _is_, Shan, it really is."

Ten minutes later...

"I told you, it's this way!" I shouted, pointing down a trail.

"How would you know! You have never been here before!"

"It's woman's intuition!"

"More like woman's ignorance!"

"You are _so_ pushing it! I'm telling you, it's that way!"

"You are wrong! I have been this way before!"

"Yeah well you probably forgot the way! After all, you haven't been in years! Probably just to avoid Arra, huh! Is that what you're going to do to me too? Be my mate for a few years then leave to join a circus!"

"You are overreacting!"

"So what if I am!"

"I love you."

"I love you too!" Larten pulled me in for a kiss and Ashley's eye twitched.

"They are just like a married couple." muttered Darren.

"Just wait till they get to the mountain, I doubt they'll be able to keep out of each other's pants during the Princes' five minute opening speech." chuckled Gavner.

"Wanna bet?" asked Ashley.

"Oh yeah!"

Ten minutes later...

"No! It's that way!"

"I am not going through this again!"

"Me neither!"

"Fine!"

"Fine!" Our other companions sighed and me and Larten stared each other down for a moment.

"So we're going that way." I said.

"No."

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"SHUT UP!" Me and Larten whirled around to face a red-faced Ashley.

"We're going THAT way! How about that!" she hollered. Me and Larten exchanged glances.

"Fine."

"Sure." me and Larten muttered. Ashley smiled triumphantly at Darren and we continued to trudge along with only a few more hours to go. After a while...we came across...the THORNS! The same thorns that must be maneuvered through...naked.

"Well we can dig-"

"Takes too long." I cut Ashley off.

"Well maybe we can-"

"Too long." I said again.

"Well what about-"

"Face it, it'll take too long. Let's just grin and bear it." I said with a sigh. Darren sighed too and peeled his shirt off, causing Ashley to squeal and glomp him. Larten took his shirt off too and I screamed in delight, latching onto Larten's side in a tight hug. Larten just gave me a look. I couldn't help but stare at his sexy body. His scars, his milky skin and muscles. A few wisps of orange hair on his chest. I squealed again and hugged him harder, acting like he'd run away if I let go.

Gavner was the next to peel off his shirt. I felt like having a nosebleed right then and there. His body was more littered with scars and he was really buff. Me, Ashley and Lexi all stared at him eagerly with smiles on our faces. He caught us staring.

"What?" he asked, blushing slightly.

"We want to see what kind of boxers you have!" said Alexis.

"First pink elephants, what now?"

"You told them, didn't you!" Gavner yelled, pink in the cheeks.

"I did not tell them, they just know these things on their own. I do not know how but they do. Like they knew how I got my scar."

"And why I got blooded," said Darren, "It's kinda creepy sometimes." He laughed.

"Haha, we're psychics!" Alexis laughed.

"Really?" asked Darren.

"Psh, no."

"We're just fangirls." Ashley nodded. Gavner and Larten exchanged looks and Gavner continued to strip. His boxers were purple with orange giraffes on them.

"HA! Pay up, pal!" I yelled, pointing in Ashley's face. Ashley grumbled to herself and pulled a twenty out of her pocket and slapping the bill in my hand. I could've sworn that Larten and Gavner's eyes twitched but I can't say for sure.

So I peeled my shirt off too, I may as well grin and bear it. Larten was staring at my red bra so I winked at him, he looked away and coughed, blushing. I laughed and pulled my jeans off too. Ashley and Alexis did so as well and Darren wasn't even brave enough to catch a glimpse of Ash, he just looked away. Ashley hit him over the head with her jacket. Once again, I caught Larten looking at my black, silk lace underwear. I glomped him, wondering what he would do, he blushed MASSIVELY! I could've sworn his ears were fire red as well!

"Why the blush, Larten, you've seen me naked tons of times!" I laughed. Larten, if it was possible, blushed harder and pulled me off of him.

"I have no idea what you are talking about." Gavner rolled his eyes and cat called, Ashley, Alexis and Darren were giggling in the background.

So we weaved our way threw the thorns, I kept snagging on thorns and I could've sworn I looked like Lord Loss with so many cuts on me.

Ashley was whining about it and Alexis pushed her into a thicker patch of thorns, causing her to complain more. Sister love, all right.

When we finally made it through the thorns, my ghostly skin was littered with specks and trails of blood.

"Laaarten! These cuts aren't going to heal themselves! I'm only half vamp!" Larten blushed again.

"I am not going to heal you right now." he muttered.

"So I'm just going to bleed to death!" I whined, pointing at a large cut on my stomach. Larten had a guilty look on his face.

"Fine. But not in front of your companions." he said unhappily. He grabbed my wrist and lead me behind a large set of boulders.

10 minutes later...

"How long does it take for them to heal!" squealed Ashley.

"Hey, guys?" Alexis peered around the corner to find me pinned against the boulder with Larten's mouth attacking mine. My legs wrapped around his legs and pulling his boxers down slightly.

"Agh! God! Guys! We have a mountain to get to! You all can do that there! Now get your butts moving!" Alexis commanded. I broke apart and frowned at her before pulling my jeans on.

"We'll continue later." I winked, slapping Larten on his ass. Larten froze and his eyes widened. Alexis burst into laughter and Gavner was holding onto a tree for support. Ashley and Darren were holding each other up. I just acted like it was nothing and I licked my lips, eyeing Larten suggestively.

10 minutes later...

"There! We just have about twenty more minutes before we're there!" Gavner said happily, hopping up on a boulder.

"Yes!" I yelled, punching the air. The river roared beneath us and we tread carefully across the slippery rocks. Everything was abnormally normal until... it started raining squirrels...you heard me. Freaking SQUIRRELS were falling from the heavens! All of them dead. With their necks broken and bloodied.

"WTF?" I screamed, blocking my face from being hit by a squirrel carcass.

"This doesn't make sense!" Ashley screamed, almost falling into the river. One squirrel landed in her hood and it caused her to throw a huge fit which looked quite similar to a seizure.

"The weatherman liiiiied!" Alexis screamed. We all scrambled across the river as quickly as possible and we hid in a cave until the squirrel storm stopped. It eventually did and when it ended, we came out of hiding to investigate.

"What. The. Hell." I muttered, looking at all of the squirrels. The funny thing was, the wolves weren't interested. They almost seemed SCARED of the dead squirrels.

"Why do these squirrels smell like moth balls and elderly people?" Gavner questioned. Me and my friends exchanged wide-eyed looks and we bolted up the mountain before we even said anything to our vamp companions.

"WHYYY!" I screamed.

"Ashley and her stupid dead rat!"

"IT'S NOT MY FAULT!" squealed Ash.

"Your face!" I yelled. "The lady made it rain dead squirrels from like, two miles away! Frankly, right now, I'm FREAKING TERRIFIED!"

"I'm out of here! I need my Vancha!" Alexis shouted, running up the mountain. Our vampires were running right behind us, whispering amongst themselves about what was going on.

10 minutes later...

"WE'RE HERE! HOLY FRIGGEN CRAP WE MADE IT!" I shouted, kissing the ground we stood on.

Larten yanked me up and we stood at the gate.

"Who're you?" said one of the guards.

"Larten Crepsley, come to seek the council."

"Gavner Purl come to seek council."

"Darren Shan come to seek council."

"Er, Kenzie, come to seek council.

"Ashley, come to seek the council."

"Alexis come to seek council." The guard eyed me and my friends.

"Larten Crepsly, Darren Shan and Gavner Purl are recognized by the gate. Buut...who are you?" he asked, looking at me and the twins.

"McKenzie-"

I elbowed Larten. I preffered to be called by my nickname.

"Er, Kenzie is my second assistant. Ashley is Gavner's assistant. Alexis is the assistant of prince Vancha March." Larten explained. The guard gave us one more once-over before nodding.

"The three are recognized by the gate."

"Whoo!" Me and Ashley cheered, doing a knuckle touch.

So we went inside the cave, yadda, yadda, yadda, ooh, look! Shoes! Okaay, that was fun. We're eating lunch..no wait...dinner...errr...breakfast? Whatever. We're eating now and Ashley pokes at a wing that's floating in her broth before drinking it. Me and Alexis gag and reach for some bread rolls and blood instead. Larten scoffs at our pickiness and Gavner slaps him upside the head.

"Larten!" comes a worn voice. We look up to see a bearded old man walk towards our table. Before Larten can say anything, me, Ash and Lexi leap up and glomp the man.

"SEBA!" we shout, huggin him tightly. Seba blinks.

"...Do I know you?" he asks. Larten hides his face in his hands. Gavner laughs.

"I have no idea how they know you Seba, but this here's Ashley, my assistant." he says, wrapping an arm around Ashley's shoulder. "This is her sister, Alexis. She's Prince March's assistant. And this here's Kenzie, Larten's second assistant...and mate!" he winks.

"A mate!" Seba asks excitedly.

"She is not my mate!" Larten exclaims. I put on my puppy eyes and stuck out my lower lip.

"*sniff* B-but, don't you want to be, Larten?" Larten hesitates and stutters.

"He hates me!" I wailed, burying my face into Seba's robes, my shoulders were shaking but not from crying. I had bit my lip to keep from letting my fake cries sound like what they really were: laughs. Seba patted me on the back and clucked his tongue at Larten.

"Larten! I did not teach you to be so harsh to women! I cannot believe this innexcusable behavior! Breaking the poor thing's heart!"

"But-"

"Silence!" Seba raised his other hand. I let out a strangled cry for added effect.

"Seba, if I might add," began Gavner, "She is also a lover of Prince Mika. I do not think he will be pleased to hear that Larten has hurt her!" Gavner gasped. I could practically see Larten shaking in his boots! Ha! That's what he gets! ...poor thing though. Oh well, I'll make it up to him later!

"We must tell Mika about this!" Seba announced. I could've sworn I heard Larten whimper! Darren nodded in confirmation.

"You're right! I hate to go against my mentor but Mr. Crepsley's gone to far this time! Hurting poor Kenzie like that! It's unnacceptable!" Oh God! Darren too! This is getting good!

Ashley nodded as well.

"To the Hall of Princes!" Alexis shouted. And that's when we marched down the corridors, Larten followed feebly behind us, blabbling about how this was unessessary nonsence.

We made the Hall guards check us quickly and we stormed up to the princes' thrones, Seba whispered in my ear to put on a good show so I made more tears come to my eyes but biting the inside of my cheek. I clung to Seba like a little child for more drama. I saw Mika's obsidian eyes light up upon seeing me but they immediately darkened menacingly when he saw that I was crying.

"What is going on here?" Mika demanded, standing up abruptly. If he didn't play his cards right, EVERYONE would know of our love.

"I am sorry for any interruption, your highness. But Larten Creplsey has crossed the line!" Seba explained. Ashley bit back laughter behind me, covering it up as a cough. Paris' eyes twinkled, seeing through our plot but it looks as if he's playing along.

"What is it?" Mika snapped, staring at the tears stream down my face.

"Larten Crepsley has broken his mate's heart repeatedly!" Seba announced, causing the hall to go silent. Mika's eyes glared menacingly at Larten, who looked to the floor.

"Larten." clucked Paris in dissapproval. "I do not believe this! You are a man of honor and respect. I did not expect you to be one going about with such folly!"

"Please sire-"

"SHUT UP, CREPSLEY!" Ashley snapped, surprising us all.

"We vampires can be brutes. And we don't care much for feelings. But going around and treating your mate like filth is unnacceptable and completely wrong!" spoke up Arrow.

"Correct." said Mika softly, which is when you know he's beyond ticked. "Larten Crepsley. We will not stand for such an unruly thing fit for humans." Mika paused and I winked at him, letting him know I was fine. A bit of confusion washed over his deathly pale face but his lips twitched.

"TO THE STAKES!" he shouted.

And that's when the honorable, courageous, heroic Larten Creplsey...fainted.

* * *

Holy crap that was funny!

Will Larten really be sent to the stakes?

Me: psh, no.

Shut up, I'm narrating!

Me: yeah, well I'm writing!

Will our heroes get drunk during the festival?

Me: Psh, yeah.

Aw, I'm done.

Me: Good. now review, people! ^^


End file.
